Is your self-talk naughty or nice?

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Why Self-Talk Matters to Communication

 

Your self-talk matters. It influences the words coming out of your mouth, how you feel about yourself and the decisions you make. And what better time of the year to become aware of how helpful or harmful your self-talk is.

Over the next couple of weeks, many of us will be busy shopping for gifts, attending parties and holiday dinners, reflecting on the year that was and making plans for the year that’s ahead. Through it all, self-talk will be blabbering up a storm! The busier and more stressed we become, the more it chatters.

Self-talk is tied to our belief system

What we believe about ourselves is reflected in the content and tone of our self-talk. If you believe you’re great under pressure, your self-talk will cheer you on from the sidelines as you navigate the shopping mall filled with last-minute holiday shoppers. You’ll feel motivated and focused and you’ll accomplish what you set out to do. If you believe the opposite, your self-talk will berate you for procrastinating and you’ll move from store to store frustrated by the crowds and the seeming lack of good gift selection.

You take whatever emotions your self-talk evokes into the rest of your day and it will influence how you show up. Now think about this from the standpoint of your business or your job, your relationship or your health.

Self-talk can be retrained

It takes awareness, a desire to change our beliefs about ourselves and intentional action to shift our self-talk from naughty to nice. Here’s an exercise I share with clients to help them become aware of the nature of their self-talk specifically for the context of end-of-year reflection and next-year planning. As you reflect on what you’ve accomplished this year, listen for whether your self-talk celebrates or plays down your achievements. As you plan for the year ahead, what does your self-talk say about your goals as you write them down? If your self-talk is nice – great! Amplify it and let it cheer you on. If it’s naughty, that’s OK. You now know it’s time to make a change.

Authentic and powerful communication starts with self-talk

What you’re saying inside is being communicated on the outside even if the words you speak are not the same. I’ll say it differently: If the words you speak are not in alignment with how you feel about and perceive yourself, communication misses its mark. There will be no accompanying integrity or trust.

When we use an inside-out approach to communication, there is no doubt about who we are and what we stand for. The alignment of our beliefs with our self-talk and the words we speak results in ease, authentic connection and power. Imagine what you could do with that!

As we end the year, I encourage you to spend some time listening to you talk to yourself. Yes, I know how that sounds. BUT it could make all the difference in how you show up in 2019. And if you find you need a little help, that’s what I’m here for.

Happy Holidays and warm wishes for a prosperous, joyful and healthy new year!

The scary bits of communication

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How familiar are you with the little voice in your head that increases in volume when you’re about to give a big presentation, meet with a potential client or have a difficult conversation? The volume on that thing can get so loud it throws us off our game. Enter fears and limiting beliefs and their influence on our ability to communicate with confidence, clarity and completeness.

Fears and limiting beliefs are at the root of why we get in our own way, the essence of human versus self conflict, and why we are said to be our own worst critics. They directly show up in how we communicate verbally and non-verbally. They are insidious, nasty creatures that also infiltrate the other elements of conscious communication – emotions, intention, values and preferences and if left unchecked, can take on a life of their own.

What are fears and limiting beliefs?

Fears and limiting beliefs are with most people pretty much all the time. Consider the following:

  • I’m not enough
  • I don’t matter
  • I’m not worthy
  • No one listens to me
  • I’m not smart enough

Do any of these resonate with you? There is NO shame if they do. You are NOT weak and there is NOTHING wrong with you if they do. It’s human to have fears and limiting beliefs – I have them, your boss has them and all the people sitting around you do too. What’s most important is whether you’re conscious of them or not, as well as to what extent you’re aware of how they show up in your life, so you CAN best them.

How fears and limiting beliefs show up in our communication

Let’s illustrate. You’re about to give a presentation to the board of directors of your organization, but you have the fear/limiting belief of “I’m not smart enough” running in the background. Left unchecked, how will this show up in your presentation? Despite rehearsing and preparing ad nauseum, you trip over your words, break into a visible sweat and lose the confidence in your body language and voice intonation when asked questions as you constantly worry about whether you’re coming across “smart enough”.

Another example. You’re about to have a conversation with your close friend about a conflict you’ve been having with each other. You’re running the fear/limiting belief of “I don’t matter”. As you go back and forth in the conversation, you leave out some of the parts that have caused you to feel the worst in the situation, because you feel you “don’t matter”. You come out of the conversation feeling not quite like you’ve been heard, and while your friend leaves thinking the matter is resolved, you’re still carrying frustration and resentment that’s going to blow up again soon.

How to best fears and limiting beliefs

To best your fears and limiting beliefs, the first step is AWARENESS. Looking back on some of your most dramatic notable communication experiences, you might be able to start identifying some of the ways your fears and limiting beliefs have influenced your results. You might even notice some common themes. Once you can see them, you’ve started the process of dismantling the power they have over you.

Taking this a step further, allow your conscious awareness of your fears and limiting beliefs to shed light on your behaviours when communicating. What words do you use when the fear/limiting belief is active? How does it affect your body, and subsequently, your non-verbal communication? This specific awareness will empower you to choose different behaviours.

Addressing the root cause

When coaching clients, I spend a fair amount of time with them identifying the fears and limiting beliefs that come up in their interactions and the associated behaviours that show up as a result. The most enlightening and liberating part of this process is connecting the fear and limiting belief back to a root cause. All fears and limiting beliefs come from somewhere. It could be from an elementary school teacher who harshly criticized your science project presentation or an abuser who threatened you if you spoke up and told anyone about their abuse. These are both real-life root cause situations I’ve come across that have affected a client’s ability to communicate.

Whatever the root cause is, once we’ve clearly identified the fear/limiting belief, there is a very simple, quick and powerful tool I use to root out (pun intended) the fear and limiting belief, as well as any negative emotions associated with it, so clients can thrive. It’s one of the biggest turning points and one of the most rewarding parts of the coaching process.

This week’s challenge

Take a blank page and draw a vertical line to create two columns. In the left column, write “Fear or limiting belief” in the right column, write “Where does it come from?”

Think of an upcoming situation that requires you to communicate – it could be an important conversation you’ve been needing to have with someone, a networking event, a public speaking event, or anything else. Take a few minutes to list all the fears and limiting beliefs that come up when you think about that communication.

Once you’ve listed all the fears and limiting beliefs, move to the second column “Where does it come from”. Brainstorm on what past situations, people or sources may be the cause of each fear and limiting belief. What are your “aha” moments? Share some of your discoveries in the comments below.

How do you like your communication?

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In the morning, evening or at night? Kidding! Although some people would say, “Let’s not communicate until I have my morning coffee!”

One of the things most overlooked in communication is that we all have a preferred way of communicating. Similar to learning styles, our preference for giving and receiving communication, impacts the way we perceive and process information. To complicate matters, everyone around us has their own preferred way of communicating, and naturally, we’re inclined to interact with others through our own preference, which may or may not be their preference. AHHHHHH! No wonder our signals get crossed so often!

VARK

What is VARK? Visual. Auditory. Reading/Writing. Kinesthetic. If your preferred way of communicating is visual, you gravitate towards diagrams, photographs, infographics and charts. You will use words such as “see” or “look”. If you’re auditory, you like hearing a voice and likely enjoy listening to audiobooks. You’ll use words like “hear” and “sounds”. If your preference is for reading/writing, you take some time to process information and express yourself through the written word (hello long emails). You might use words such as “learn” or “think”. If you’re kinesthetic, you’re a feeler and like to be in experiences. Words you may use are “touch” or “make contact”.

If you’re not sure about your preference, there are free online tools to help you find out what it is. Complete this questionnaire to start, because once you know what your preference is, you can ask for communication in the way you like it, and you can begin recognizing other people’s preferences and communicate with them in the way they like it. Win-win!

Challenge for the week

Complete the questionnaire and begin to pay attention to the words you use when you communicate. Do they correlate? Start noticing the words other people are using and see if you can figure out their preference for communication. Imagine what it would be like to not have signals cross so often. 😊

In our next post, we’re going to tackle the beast of fears and limiting beliefs. Hands down, it’s the biggest unconscious influencer on how we communicate. You won’t want to miss it!

Befriend your intention

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Befriend your intention in communication

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think about the last conflict you had and the interaction(s) you had to resolve it. What did you want to achieve? No, what did you realllly want to achieve?

None of us are strangers to at one time or another saying we want to resolve a conflict, but entering into peace talks with the real aim of proving we’re right or showing the other person we know more. How do those conversations usually turn out?

All communication begins with intention. You’re either conscious of your intentions or you’re not. Our true intentions – not always the ones we say we have – will play out in the words we use and how our body and voice express themselves in all our communication experiences.

Why is intention so important?

Going into communication with one stated intention and having our words and body and voice demonstrate another quickly leads to loss of credibility and trust. And quite possibly even a loss of clients, a promotion, relationships, sales, and so on. We feel disappointed in ourselves for our lack of desired results, and we may not understand why, because we’re unaware of the crucial role intention is playing in the background.

Here’s another example. Say someone reaches out to you to have a one-on-one networking or informational meeting under the premise of getting to know each other and making a connection. You attend the meeting and after half-an-hour or so you find yourself viewing a catalogue of products and listening to promotions and you realize, “Wait a minute – am I being sold to?” Yes, you are, and you further realize this wasn’t an informational or networking meeting all along. At one point or another (or maybe more often than we’d like) we find ourselves on either side of this equation. It doesn’t feel so good, does it?

Honesty is the best policy

There’s nothing wrong with the intentions of selling or even proving you know more – as long as you’re honest with yourself and the other person or people about them and you recognize how your true intention is going to play out in an interaction through your words and body language and voice.

Owning our intention in communication requires us to look at ourselves on a deeper level and asking questions about who we are, what we want and how we want to achieve it. When we do this and own our intention, as well as share that intention with the person or people we’re communicating with, we’ll come across authentically, build trust and relationships, and likely have win-win outcomes.

Get to know your intentions

Think back to your last challenging conversation and see if you can pinpoint your true intention and whether it aligned with or differed from the intention you said you had before having that conversation. What were the outcomes of the conversation? How did the person or other people engage? How might those things be different if your intention were different? Do the same thing for a presentation or a meeting you recently had. Take notes and see if you can identify themes or patterns. If you notice a real, consistent disconnect between your stated and true intentions, you may want to explore why further, so you can begin to get the results you want from your communication.

This week’s challenge

Take a moment before the major communication events you have scheduled over the next week to acknowledge your true intention with respect to your stated intention. Notice if there is alignment and pay attention to how the intention plays out in your words and body language and voice in each of those communication events. If there is misalignment, take some time to realign before the event and experience the difference in your results.

In our next post, we’re going to explore what’s important to you and the value in knowing how it defines your unique communication blueprint.

It’s written all over your face

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emotions and communication

 

Emotions can be a roller coaster of a topic. Wouldn’t you say?

We tend to like to stick to such feelings as joy, love, exhilaration and accomplishment. And then we stop at sadness, fear, betrayal and rage. However, we’re human, and whether we’re in a personal or professional setting, we can’t turn off what we feel. We can try, but we can never really turn them off. Our emotions show up in our communication either authentically or inauthentically. And, only one of those scenarios builds trust.

Are you inviting people in or pushing them away?

At any given moment, we’re either drawing people in, repelling them or creating indifference to ourselves. How our emotions come through in our verbal and non-verbal communication is key to this.

For example, if you’re an entrepreneur that’s having a day where you feel unsure of yourself, you may use a quieter voice with a prospect than you would on a day you feel more confident. You may also stand with your arms crossed to protect yourself rather than have them open to invite the person in. You may use language that’s less enthusiastic than you would on a day you’re feeling spectacular. Based on this, how effective do you think you’d be in drawing the prospect in?

Only until recently have acknowledging and talking about emotions become more acceptable and encouraged, and we still have a long way to go. In fact, many of us are out of touch with what our emotions even feel like in our bodies. And here’s the thing, whether you’re conscious of them or not, your emotions are influencing how you’re showing up in your interactions with and in front of people, and ultimately your results. Wouldn’t you like to understand them better, so you can show up the way you want?

Turning up the awareness

Now that you know your emotions could be pushing people away, you can make shifts that can empower you to choose how you show up, which again, will influence your results. The key to doing so is AWARENESS. You may want to use these questions to raise your level of awareness about how your emotions are coming through in your communication:

  • What happens to your voice when you feel certain emotions (e.g., louder, slow down, etc.)?
  • How does you body react to certain emotions (e.g., shrink, open, etc.)?
  • How does your language change from one emotion to the next (e.g., more forceful, less inspiring)?
  • Can you feel your emotions in your body? How specifically?

Imagine how this new level of awareness can defuse a conflict by informing you about how anger in your verbal and non-verbal communication might incite a bigger quarrel or deepen a rift. Imagine how many more clients you can connect with when you know the difference between how you show up when you feel confident versus uncertain. Imagine how your relationships could deepen when you recognize how your words, voice and body demonstrate the emotions of affection, appreciation and love.

It’s pretty profound stuff.

This week’s challenge

Over the next week, my challenge to you is to get more in touch with your emotions before you go into important interactions. Check in with yourself on how you’re feeling and notice. Notice what your body is doing. Notice how your voice is sounding. Notice what words are coming out of your mouth as a result of whatever that emotion is that you’re feeling. I’m telling you, it’s a game-changer.

Next on our list of inputs in A Model for Conscious Communication is the piece that underpins how successful you’re going to be in your communication. It’s going to be very intentional, so tune in!

Communication: What’s it all about?

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Pop quiz. Did you know there are two outputs to communication?

If you guessed there’s a verbal output (the words we use) and a non-verbal output (what we do with our voice and body) ding, ding, ding, you’ve won yourself the opportunity to read the rest of this post! Ha.

All jokes aside, there are serious considerations to communication you’re overlooking that may be responsible for lacklustre results.

Percentages, percentages

If we were to put numbers to words, there are various studies that aim to quantify just how much of communication is attributed to the verbal versus the non-verbal. At its highest value, the non-verbal output of communication has been cited at 93% of communication. Some studies divide this number further to 55% body language and 38% voice. In either case, this leaves just seven percent for the verbal output of communication.

A word of caution – there are debates over the actual percentages of verbal versus non-verbal communication and whether we can even attribute numbers to them, since context is a huge part of any communication setting. What we want to recognize as our key takeaway is that non-verbal communication accounts for far more of communication than we give it credit for. And I’m going to guess, if you’re like most people, you spend most of your time preparing the verbal.

You don’t know what you don’t know

At this point in the history of humankind, our access to words is at the best it could ever be. Thank you smartphones and dictionary.com! When we’re not getting our point across or connecting with people the way we’d like, it’s not as simple to just say it’s because we used the wrong words. It’s what we’re not consciously accessing that’s causing us to miss our mark. Because it’s not conscious, we’re not even sure of what we’re supposed to be accessing to become the type of confident, articulate communicator we want to be.

Enter A Model for Conscious Communication. There’s a whole system of background inputs – operating unconsciously – that’s feeding our verbal and non-verbal communication. There are five inputs to this system and each one helps to make up our own unique communication blueprint.

Yes, you have a unique communication blueprint

There are reasons why replicating “guaranteed success” communication formulas from experts often ends in frustration and failure. It’s not because you’re not doing it right. What works for them isn’t necessarily going to work for you, because your blueprint is different from theirs. As we explore each input to A Model for Conscious Communication, you’ll see how uniquely you interact with the input and why you’re getting the results you are, and most importantly, how you can shift your results in your favour.

In my next post, we’ll cover the first input feeding communication. I guarantee you, it’s going to give you all the feels… By the way, that was a hint. 😉