Look to the past to identify current communication challenges

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This is a tough pill to swallow, but it’s an essential point of transformation and freedom. We cannot heal what ails us if we refuse to look back to see where the pain began. This is not to be confused with dwelling in the past.

Patterns of communication and patterns of behaviour that create havoc in our lives today started from somewhere. This is one of the most challenging pieces I work with clients on and one of the most challenging pieces I’ve had to work on myself. Because, it means putting our family of origin under the microscope — our parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles and anyone else who had a hand in raising us.

It means taking those we looked up to as children down from their pedestal and taking a hard, honest look at their humanness and whether they were the best examples of what we aspire to be and do, today.

It means coming out of denial and being truly honest and admitting to ourselves if the environment we were raised in was filled with criticisms, manipulation and discord instead of the nurturing, loving and kind environment we so badly want to believe it was.

It means asking if this place was the beginning of the unhappiness we feel now and why we struggle so much to talk about it and ask for the help we need, today.

Asking these questions can feel grimy. Like we’re criticizing, disrespecting or betraying our family of origin in some regard. Like we love them less. Like we are bad for doing it. In some cultures (including my own), we’re taught to never shine a light of question on our elders or our family. You’d be deemed ungrateful to. Who does that serve? What if what’s being kept in the dark is abuse, oppression or some painful secret? What if shining light on it can lead to freedom, joy and ease? Would that not be worth it?

How you speak up for yourself, how you communicate and honour boundaries, how you relate to others and communicate in your relationships and business – they’re all influenced by what you grew up in and what you were taught. You may not be able to change that, but you can certainly now look back on it to learn and recognize that you have the option to make a different choice, today.

Is your self-talk naughty or nice?

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Why Self-Talk Matters to Communication

 

Your self-talk matters. It influences the words coming out of your mouth, how you feel about yourself and the decisions you make. And what better time of the year to become aware of how helpful or harmful your self-talk is.

Over the next couple of weeks, many of us will be busy shopping for gifts, attending parties and holiday dinners, reflecting on the year that was and making plans for the year that’s ahead. Through it all, self-talk will be blabbering up a storm! The busier and more stressed we become, the more it chatters.

Self-talk is tied to our belief system

What we believe about ourselves is reflected in the content and tone of our self-talk. If you believe you’re great under pressure, your self-talk will cheer you on from the sidelines as you navigate the shopping mall filled with last-minute holiday shoppers. You’ll feel motivated and focused and you’ll accomplish what you set out to do. If you believe the opposite, your self-talk will berate you for procrastinating and you’ll move from store to store frustrated by the crowds and the seeming lack of good gift selection.

You take whatever emotions your self-talk evokes into the rest of your day and it will influence how you show up. Now think about this from the standpoint of your business or your job, your relationship or your health.

Self-talk can be retrained

It takes awareness, a desire to change our beliefs about ourselves and intentional action to shift our self-talk from naughty to nice. Here’s an exercise I share with clients to help them become aware of the nature of their self-talk specifically for the context of end-of-year reflection and next-year planning. As you reflect on what you’ve accomplished this year, listen for whether your self-talk celebrates or plays down your achievements. As you plan for the year ahead, what does your self-talk say about your goals as you write them down? If your self-talk is nice – great! Amplify it and let it cheer you on. If it’s naughty, that’s OK. You now know it’s time to make a change.

Authentic and powerful communication starts with self-talk

What you’re saying inside is being communicated on the outside even if the words you speak are not the same. I’ll say it differently: If the words you speak are not in alignment with how you feel about and perceive yourself, communication misses its mark. There will be no accompanying integrity or trust.

When we use an inside-out approach to communication, there is no doubt about who we are and what we stand for. The alignment of our beliefs with our self-talk and the words we speak results in ease, authentic connection and power. Imagine what you could do with that!

As we end the year, I encourage you to spend some time listening to you talk to yourself. Yes, I know how that sounds. BUT it could make all the difference in how you show up in 2019. And if you find you need a little help, that’s what I’m here for.

Happy Holidays and warm wishes for a prosperous, joyful and healthy new year!

The scary bits of communication

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How familiar are you with the little voice in your head that increases in volume when you’re about to give a big presentation, meet with a potential client or have a difficult conversation? The volume on that thing can get so loud it throws us off our game. Enter fears and limiting beliefs and their influence on our ability to communicate with confidence, clarity and completeness.

Fears and limiting beliefs are at the root of why we get in our own way, the essence of human versus self conflict, and why we are said to be our own worst critics. They directly show up in how we communicate verbally and non-verbally. They are insidious, nasty creatures that also infiltrate the other elements of conscious communication – emotions, intention, values and preferences and if left unchecked, can take on a life of their own.

What are fears and limiting beliefs?

Fears and limiting beliefs are with most people pretty much all the time. Consider the following:

  • I’m not enough
  • I don’t matter
  • I’m not worthy
  • No one listens to me
  • I’m not smart enough

Do any of these resonate with you? There is NO shame if they do. You are NOT weak and there is NOTHING wrong with you if they do. It’s human to have fears and limiting beliefs – I have them, your boss has them and all the people sitting around you do too. What’s most important is whether you’re conscious of them or not, as well as to what extent you’re aware of how they show up in your life, so you CAN best them.

How fears and limiting beliefs show up in our communication

Let’s illustrate. You’re about to give a presentation to the board of directors of your organization, but you have the fear/limiting belief of “I’m not smart enough” running in the background. Left unchecked, how will this show up in your presentation? Despite rehearsing and preparing ad nauseum, you trip over your words, break into a visible sweat and lose the confidence in your body language and voice intonation when asked questions as you constantly worry about whether you’re coming across “smart enough”.

Another example. You’re about to have a conversation with your close friend about a conflict you’ve been having with each other. You’re running the fear/limiting belief of “I don’t matter”. As you go back and forth in the conversation, you leave out some of the parts that have caused you to feel the worst in the situation, because you feel you “don’t matter”. You come out of the conversation feeling not quite like you’ve been heard, and while your friend leaves thinking the matter is resolved, you’re still carrying frustration and resentment that’s going to blow up again soon.

How to best fears and limiting beliefs

To best your fears and limiting beliefs, the first step is AWARENESS. Looking back on some of your most dramatic notable communication experiences, you might be able to start identifying some of the ways your fears and limiting beliefs have influenced your results. You might even notice some common themes. Once you can see them, you’ve started the process of dismantling the power they have over you.

Taking this a step further, allow your conscious awareness of your fears and limiting beliefs to shed light on your behaviours when communicating. What words do you use when the fear/limiting belief is active? How does it affect your body, and subsequently, your non-verbal communication? This specific awareness will empower you to choose different behaviours.

Addressing the root cause

When coaching clients, I spend a fair amount of time with them identifying the fears and limiting beliefs that come up in their interactions and the associated behaviours that show up as a result. The most enlightening and liberating part of this process is connecting the fear and limiting belief back to a root cause. All fears and limiting beliefs come from somewhere. It could be from an elementary school teacher who harshly criticized your science project presentation or an abuser who threatened you if you spoke up and told anyone about their abuse. These are both real-life root cause situations I’ve come across that have affected a client’s ability to communicate.

Whatever the root cause is, once we’ve clearly identified the fear/limiting belief, there is a very simple, quick and powerful tool I use to root out (pun intended) the fear and limiting belief, as well as any negative emotions associated with it, so clients can thrive. It’s one of the biggest turning points and one of the most rewarding parts of the coaching process.

This week’s challenge

Take a blank page and draw a vertical line to create two columns. In the left column, write “Fear or limiting belief” in the right column, write “Where does it come from?”

Think of an upcoming situation that requires you to communicate – it could be an important conversation you’ve been needing to have with someone, a networking event, a public speaking event, or anything else. Take a few minutes to list all the fears and limiting beliefs that come up when you think about that communication.

Once you’ve listed all the fears and limiting beliefs, move to the second column “Where does it come from”. Brainstorm on what past situations, people or sources may be the cause of each fear and limiting belief. What are your “aha” moments? Share some of your discoveries in the comments below.